Rejecting the ‘Mean Girl’ Framework

Responding to our male students’ fights, sexual misbehavior, or general misconduct with the comment “boys will be boys” is widely recognized as unhealthy and unacceptable. But when faced with name calling, rumor spreading, exclusion, and social sabotage among female students, the phrase “it’s just girl drama—don’t worry about it” is so widely used that sometimes it’s replaced with just an eye roll, a shrug, or a sigh—the phrase itself doesn’t even need to be expressed in words.

Girls Will Be Girls—and Girls Will Be Mean

I wonder what would happen if we challenged the notion that “girls will be girls—and girls will be mean” in the same way that we currently challenge “boys will be boys.” What if attributing bad behavior to the “mean girl” phenomenon—which can be defined as “publicly humiliating and spreading nasty rumors about each other, pitting friend against friend, excluding or rejecting former friends, and even engaging in physical aggression”—is an easy way out of a complicated situation? What if what we’re really seeing and not understanding is girls learning about their own social power just as society finally allows them the space to do so? As researcher Lyn Mikel Brown says, “It’s no coincidence that just as girls were exercising their power and challenging gender roles we saw more concern about meanness and aggression among girls. While they’re feeling powerful and in control, girls are up against new pressure to act like traditional nice girls or risk being labeled mean. As a result, many take their strong feelings and competitive urges underground or at least out of sight of adults who might be watching.”

What if, instead of rolling our eyes and telling girls to “be nice,” or ignoring fraught situations altogether, we talked with girls early and often about power—their own and that of others—and helped them recognize that they have more power than they realize and that they can use it for good or to hurt? “Mean girls” are able to wield more than their share of power by co-opting the power of others. We need to help girls claim (or reclaim) their power.

A Few Ways We Can Help

For more ideas on how to help girls, read “12 Ways to Prevent Girlfighting and Build Girl Allies.”