De-escalating the Brain, Not the Behavior

The number one question I’m always asked as a district behavioral consultant is, “What are some of the best strategies for de-escalation?” There are so many strategies we can try with students, but one thing for certain is that the heart of de-escalation is understanding the brain.

What does the brain have to do with behavior? Too often, we observe or see a behavior and we think of strategies that target that specific behavior. When we do that, we fail to acknowledge that the brain is the driving force behind those behaviors.

Understanding the Structures Responsible for Human Behavior

When students are in crisis or at the height of behavior, they are working through the part of their brain called the amygdala. The amygdala controls students’ fight, flight, or freeze responses to external stimuli or situations in which their body feels threatened or in danger. 

During those challenging moments, we ask students to use skills from their prefrontal cortex to change their behavior. As Lori Desautels explains in her book Connections Over Compliance: Rewiring Our Perceptions of Discipline, brain science tells us that in moments of dysregulation, a student’s prefrontal cortex shuts down. This part of the brain helps with decision-making, creates logic in situations, has an understanding of cause and effect, and allows us to process consequences, as well as shift our behaviors to match the social appropriateness of situations or scenarios. Our brain is not able to process logic, consequences, reason, or problem-solving when in a state of crisis.

Because of this, when we work with students who are in a state of crisis, we need to connect to their emotions (the amygdala response in their brain). Utilizing emotion-based strategies that focus on the heart of our relationship with students helps us to aid in de-escalation.

Create Predictability and Calm

When working with students in crisis, it’s not only about de-escalating students, but also about keeping ourselves regulated. Our regulation and calm helps to model and provide students with the regulation and calm that they need to feel safe. A dysregulated adult cannot regulate a dysregulated child. So much of keeping ourselves regulated involves being predictable. We can be predictable with our calm actions, our own centered emotions, and how we respond to students in their dysregulated state. When students know what they can expect out of us during their most vulnerable moments, they will see us as predictable.

When we create predictability for ourselves and for our students, we create the calm. Predictability is regulating. As we work through challenging behavior, we can use a predictable sequence of actions that I developed for educators called the CALM strategy (connect, affirm, listen, my plan). It's an effective tool that can help you and your students engage in the regulation process.

C: connect with the student

When we first encounter challenging behavior, before we limit or redirect negative behavior, it’s important to remind ourselves that the amygdala response is causing the behavior. We can use our emotional connection with students to signal to their brain and give it permission to join into our de-escalation.

When encountering challenging behavior, stop and reflect, “What is my relationship with this student? Do they view me as a safe person to be able to aid in de-escalation? How can I communicate to the student my intentions to help them de-escalate?” Before correcting negative behavior, we have to connect to the student and the brain. Comment on an interest you know they like, provide praise for any positive behavior you see, use an empathetic tone of voice, and remind them that your intent is to help them de-escalate. 

A: affirm their feelings

What is viewed as negative student behavior is often a cry for help. It’s a signal that a student needs to feel heard and is their only way to communicate their overwhelming feelings and emotions. When we take the time to affirm their feelings and acknowledge that we see their emotions, we show the brain and the student that their feelings are valid.

Saying emotionally forward, affirming statements signals to the student that we are listening to them: “I know you are upset; I would be upset too.” “I would have big feelings about that situation as well—that seems really hard.” 

L: listen

Sometimes, for us as adults, this is the hardest part. The louder our students get with their behaviors, the quieter we need to get with ours. It’s crucial to not only listen, but also seek to understand while we are listening.

Often at this stage of de-escalation, I ask the student if they want to engage in conversation or if they need time and space. Using phrases or questions to cue to students that we are listening is crucial to creating that safe space: “Tell me more about that.” “Describe your feelings at that moment.” “Was that upsetting when that happened?” 

M: my plan

As students move back down from their amygdala response and can access some of the logic and processing that their prefrontal cortex can do, we can begin to prompt them to engage in a reflective process or plan forward.

Reflection is a crucial part of behavioral change and a way we can help students create new, positive pathways to different behaviors. I often ask students these questions during this stage:

“What’s our plan next time you have these feelings?”

“What can we do differently next time?”

“What do you want out of the adult during your moment of crisis?”

Just as we need to be predictable during a crisis response, our students need our help in developing predictable coping strategies to engage in. Often at this stage, we are talking about what their break routine could be, if they want to check in with a trusted adult in the morning, where there is a safe place to go when they are dysregulated, or what behaviors they expect from the adult during those moments. 

In this moment, this behavior and brain response are the only solutions this student knows. This behavior is serving a purpose, and for this student and the current skill levels that they have, this behavior is the only way they know how to solve their problem. When we begin to see de-escalation and regulation as a process where we are supporting the student’s brain state, we can begin to move beyond seeing the behavior as a thing we need do something to, and instead a thing that we can do something with.

When a student engages in dysregulated behavior, we can show up with the student to engage in the co-regulation process, together. Utilizing the CALM strategy can help support that process, the student, and ourselves as we work to support our students during their most challenging moments.