An Effective Protocol for Student Conflict Resolution

Over the past decade, I’ve had the privilege of traveling our country to visit classrooms. In spaces where emotions run high, we’re seeing a huge disconnect in relationships between peers. When conflict arises, many students instinctively try to win the argument by shouting, shutting others down, and challenging authority figures.

Many miss the following hard truths:

• Win the argument, lose the relationship.
• Many arguments are more about emotions rather than facts.
• The harder someone pushes, the harder they get pushed back.

Trying to win arguments can undermine good classroom culture, hinder learning, erode trust in relationships, and escalate tensions. Instead of focusing on building relationships and teaching, some teachers find themselves constantly trying to maintain order and support their students’ social-emotional needs.

Fortunately, with the right tools and teacher modeling, students can learn to resolve their disputes in ways that foster empathy for others, promote self-control, and encourage collaboration. All of these life skills are essential for students today and in the future. Let’s briefly explore the science to understand why these matter.

Why Conflict Resolution Skills Matter

Children who don't learn to resolve conflicts appropriately may become adults who struggle to do so as well. Developmental psychology teaches that adolescence is the period during which youth form their identity and sense of autonomy. At this stage, many of them assert themselves, test boundaries, and often struggle to control their impulses.

Neuroscience research indicates that the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for cognition, reasoning, and self-control, continues to develop during adolescence. That means the skill of settling disputes isn’t just about creating a safe classroom—it encompasses a valuable bundle of essential life skills, including empathy, active listening, negotiation, and emotional regulation.

It's best to teach these competencies to them while they're young. Longitudinal evidence shows that teaching social-emotional skills as early as kindergarten can predict future emotional well-being, academic outcomes, healthy relationships, and future workplace readiness.

To this end, I developed a research-informed framework to coach teachers and students through effective conflict resolution. It's a repeatable process that provides clarity on settling disputes, and takes approximately10 minutes to complete.

Laying the Groundwork for Effective Conflict Resolution

I don't recommend teaching students the steps in the framework when they're in the heat of conflict. If students are prone to disputes, introduce the protocol proactively to all of them by modeling it—don't do it in real time.

Be sure to emphasize the benefits of resolving disputes healthily and constructively. Often, teachers are combating what they see at home or on social media. Students will engage more effectively when they understand the personal benefits, such as improved emotional well-being and stronger relationships.

Also, be mindful to notice when a student is highly agitated, as engaging in the process will most likely need to be delayed. You can ask the following questions to get them self-reflecting and prepared for engaging with their peer:

“Why are you so upset?”

“How long do you think these feelings will last?”

“How does being upset resolve this dispute?”

Teach students that before beginning the process, to achieve success together, both parties should approach it with the mindset that a resolution is possible and worth working towards.

The Conflict Resolution Protocol

This protocol provides structured time-bound steps (about 10 minutes) that teachers can use to help their students make the shift from trying to win arguments to settling their disputes. For each step, let students speak for a minute and half, but adjust time as needed. Some kids are still working on expressing themselves succinctly.

With effective coaching, each step is designed to reduce the impulse to react, foster understanding between peers, and find agreement on a mutually beneficial path forward for both parties. The hope is that eventually students will be able to settle disputes on their own without needing an adult or third party to moderate.

You can download these steps in a one-page document.

Step 1: Hear Them Out (3 minutes)

Ask one student at a time why they feel the way they do. Don’t allow their peers to interrupt, even if they disagree with what’s being said. Although it may be difficult for some kids, assure them that they will get their chance to speak. The speaker should feel that they are in a space that allows them to share without judgment or immediate correction.

When everyone listens fully (teacher and student)—it cues respect and lowers defensiveness. A good question could be, “Can you tell us what happened from your perspective?” or “Why do you feel the way you do?”

Step 2: Affirm & Share (3 minutes)

Before allowing the next student(s) or yourself to share their perspective, acknowledge the student who spoke in step 1 by simply saying, “I can see why you see it that way.” This validates them and disarms them. Now, while remaining calm, the other person respectfully shares their viewpoint. The sentence stem can go along the lines of “I know you see it how you describe and I see it this way...” Encourage students to use and instead of but.

The teachable moment here for kids is that multiple truths and viewpoints can coexist; understanding and respecting them isn't the same as agreeing with them.

Step 3: Meet Halfway (3 minutes)

As a teacher, understanding both perspectives makes this next step easier. Now, you can help your students find common ground by proposing one clear action step that both sides can do and support.

For example: “We both agree that we need to stay on topic and focused during group work. We can socialize during recess.” Remind them that shared agreements are for building relationships and aren’t a weakness.

Reflection and Closure (2 minutes)

To ensure commitment, close the protocol by having each party restate the agreed-upon solution. The purpose of this step is to provide closure which allows both students to move forward with the understanding that their dispute is now settled, and to do so without lingering resentment. This won’t come naturally to every student. Regardless, engage, coach, and be comfortable with planting seeds that you may not get to see bloom.

Character Education First

Our students desperately need to learn how to replace competition with collaboration. Teaching them to settle disputes is a positive step in character education.

Along with lots of personal practice, each step in the protocol is backed by research in communication and social-emotional learning. When kids learn to listen first, affirm those with whom they disagree, and meet them halfway, they develop empathy and cooperation skills that strengthen every community they’re part of.